disgracefvl

it’s just
you said you’d listen to my story
after you were done on the phone but
when i came back you asked what was
“so goddamn important”
i couldn’t stop nagging you about it
and since it was something stupid i was just hoping
would make you laugh so
i told you to forget about it

it’s just
you said you’d read my writing and
not laugh at it but in reality
i’ve never stopped being a joke in this family
because in middle school i wrote dark short stories
where the main character died and yeah in retrospect
maybe that’s funny but
there’s also a reason why since then i don’t
show you anything because at thirteen hearing you
refuse to take my work seriously
didn’t really make me feel like laughing

it’s just
you said that school was important but
at the same time would get so pissed at me
if i stayed up doing homework
all i would hear is “why didn’t you start this
earlier” and when i tried to explain i had other things to do
i was told “i don’t want to hear it just get it done”
and when i ever mentioned that i was stressed to the point
of breaking into glass pieces
you always rolled your eyes and said “you don’t even
know what stress is” even though when i asked for help on projects
you’d barely even look at it before
deciding it was too difficult

it’s just
you’ve never said
that you’re proud of me
only told me the things i should be fixing like
how i’m kind of getting a tummy and my hair is always
messy and how i’ll never get married if i don’t start
being more mature and how i need to work on being
the perfect student or i’ll never amount to anything and
i need to patch up my personality

i don’t know but
when you asked me why i’ve been
“so distant lately it’s kind of bitchy”
i got as far as
“it’s just”
before you said
“don’t start with me.”

i don’t know what you want. i wish i could just
leave.

"Are your parents supposed to make you hate yourself?" /// (r.i.d)
disgracefvl
The rape joke is that you were eight.
The rape joke is that at the time,
you didn’t know people had sex to express love.
The rape joke is that the only other person
who’d seen you naked was your mom.
The rape joke is that he called you ‘beautiful’ first.
The rape joke is that he held your hands together
and told you to ‘try harder’ when you struggled.
The rape joke is that you believed him
when he told you were overreacting.
The rape joke is that your grandma
called him a nice boy and asked him to stay for dinner.
The rape joke is that he winked at you
when you apologized to your parents for not coming
downstairs the first time you were called.
The rape joke is that his friends
high-fived him for “getting some.”
The rape joke is that you still don’t feel like
you’ve regrown the pieces he stole.
The rape joke is that he was conceived when his
dad slapped himself into his snoring mother.
The rape joke is that her friends told her
she was lucky someone wanted her.
The rape joke is that each year in the United States,
32,000 other women’s bellies
ripen with life against their will.
The rape joke is that he never learned
to touch without scarring.
The rape joke is that your classmate thinks
‘have you seen what asses look like in yoga pants?’
is an argument.
The rape joke is your new boyfriend kissing
you and telling you he ‘raped’ his math test.
The rape joke is that ‘Why are girls so scared of rape? Y’all should feel pride that a guy risked his life in jail just to fuck you’
is a popular Tweet right now.
The rape joke is that you wake up to
the memory of him laughing,
“now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
The rape joke is that it’s been twelve years and
you still quiver when someone touches you.
The rape joke is that he hasn’t stopped laughing.
The rape joke is that you forgot how to.
The Rape Joke | Lora Mathis
Inspired by this.  (via writingthatilike)